it’s a strange sensation to feel like you’re learning something for the first time, yet there’s a parallel awareness that it’s a truth you’ve always known. that’s what landed me here today, now.
there’s no way to overcome a fear if I refuse to confront it; if I am unwilling to take actions that could either prove or disprove the fear. and which of those am I more afraid of? I truly wonder. in recent years, I’ve started to think that the fear of success is what really holds me back. how I’ve justified “being sensible” and playing small.
sure the fear of failure exists. I notice it in the ego’s aversion to anything which may result in me “embarrassing myself”. that’s just a superficial layer though. in a deeper, wordless place, an earlier version of me still feels bad and wrong and shameful and wants to hide. she learned that it is not safe to be seen; that her roots were rotten and would be rejected on sight.
too small to fend for herself, she cannot risk rejection and abandonment. and so, she hides. too ashamed to admit all the cruel things she’s come to believe about herself [what if they’re true? what if they’re not??]; those stories become her silent companion. her defining characteristic. but if no one is allowed to know about them, how could they ever know her?
pervasive turbulence. incessantly tossing between the desperate desire to be seen and the feelings of sheer terror at the thought of it. how do we help her see that her existence is not mutually exclusive from joy / success / safe love / abundance? how do we make her believe that she deserves so much more; success is not a threat, my love. you will not be left behind, we will raise you up.
and so we thank the shadows. comforting and keeping us safe as best they could. we extend a warm, grateful hand and accept the reigns they are ready to release now. they trust us. they trust me.
and so it begins…
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